A review of a recently studied training video…

Last week some readers may remember I described how there are few experiences I dislike more than going shopping with my wife for her underwear. Our most recent experience had been an uncomfortable ordeal.

Well that was nothing compared with what I faced the other night.

After a long week, Charlotte and I sat down in front of the television to a chicken stir-fry lovingly prepared by yours truly (straight out of Sainsbury’s packaging). The idea was to enjoy a relaxed evening of television while having supper.

I wasn’t even remotely aware of what Charlotte had in store. There was a bit of time before anything we both wanted to see came on so Charlotte asked if I minded us putting on a video she had just received giving training advice and tips on breast-feeding for twins. Without even hesitating (or thinking through what this might actually mean) I immediately jumped into supportive husband and father mode and agreed. You see, usually I’m not squeamish. I watch a lot of CSI, The Shield, Law and Order, ER, Casualty and other forensic, hospital and police investigation dramas. You get used to the gore after a while, complete with horrific squelchy sound effects of bodies and cadavers being chopped up. And you can even eat your supper in front of this without being uncomfortable.

However, no sooner had this particular video started playing than I felt a strong sense of unease. It was a home-made video which showed a mum with both her twins about to feed.

Nervously I started munching on my stir-fry, wondering what on earth I had let myself in for. Before I could fully prepare myself, the woman had sat down on her sofa and started unbuttoning and unclipping enough clothing to begin “the feed”. I’m probably not being very polite or pc here, but to say this woman was well-endowed is doing her bosoms a gross disservice (I’m guessing a size double G for Gigantic). I’m supposed to be looking at the twins and how skilfully she places them on cushions either side so she can feed them both at the same time. I should be studying how expertly this woman ensures her babies latch on quickly and easily (inspiring me to wonder why this video isn’t called Latch of the Day). Instead I find myself staring wide-eyed and open-mouthed in horror as she whips out her breasts and plants her babies mouths firmly onto them…

My stir-fry is getting cold.

I don’t care.

I’m not hungry any more.

It’s ridiculous, pathetic and I’m being stupid.

I know this is all about perfectly ordinary, natural routines.

But I can’t cope.

Lactation displays and stir-frys should never coincide.

Another lesson learned.

Give me bra shopping any day.

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