I sat on the sofa last night trying to watch a comedy Charlotte had recorded for me last week. I had both Tilly and Scott stuck to my chest, each taking it in turns to see who could cry loudest. We were getting into a daily routine, it seemed, of both of them crying all night and sleeping all day. And now it was night-time, the little vampires had woken up. I had changed both of them so it wasn’t the nappies. Apart from looking a tiny bit jaundiced, they’re both perfectly healthy, so that wasn’t the problem. Charlotte had fed them not long before. So it shouldn’t have been that either. So just what was it that made these two tiny, furry-headed creatures cry so loud? Boredom? Disapproval of Daddy’s taste in programming? Or just doing their job, i.e. sometimes breaking into spontaneous tears for no other reason than to practice their vocal chords at a time that suited them and nobody else? Ah, yes, that was it.

I cuddled, I whispered, I patted, I stroked, I kissed. But all to no avail. I thought about the idiotic design of the human body where both sexes have breasts yet only women can breastfeed. It’s not that I’m weird or anything, but it did occur to me how great it would be if I could whip out my man-breasts and feed them. I mean they’re almost big enough. Regrettfuly I ruled out this option. I even went up to see if Charlotte was up to trying a feed. But when I saw her sleeping soundly I thought the better of it - she hadn’t slept properly for days and was due to get up not long after to feed them anyway. So I let her rest and returned to sofa in our darkened living room to lie quietly with Tilly and Scott on my chest again, trying their best to suckle my t-shirt or my neck - nice try guys but don’t hold your breath.

An hour and a half later Charlotte woke and came downstairs to find us all on the sofa, Scott having finally fallen asleep about 5 minutes before and Tilly, still in full voice. Daddy was looking and feeling just a bit frazzled.

I passed over our “little cherubs” to Charlotte and thought that before I went to bed I would go and post a cry for help on Twinsclub, the forum where I get some of my best tips. I then managed to get a few hours’ sleep, which in hindsight makes me realise how ironic it can be that having useless man-breasts can actually be quite useful.

So I was looking forward to reading the gems of wisdom on Twinsclub this morning after breakfast, knowing how fast some of the members reply to messages. And what I found was both reassuring and disappointing in equal measure. Reassuring? Don’t worry, we’re doing everything right. Disappointing? Expect this behaviour to last several weeks or more. I suppose I knew that already. I was just hoping for some magic cure. Because there is one really isn’t there?..

We can’t change the bodyclock. We can try to introduce routines though, which we’re doing. Keep the house dark and quiet at nighttime and bright during the daytime.

It’s all part of parenting babies. And it’s no different with twins, just a bit more demanding.

I wonder… If only I could get them to synchronise their crying….

Sounds like another question for Twinsclub.

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