So we were changing the nappies of Tilly and Scott the other day. Monty was with us and just after we removed Tilly’s soiled nappy Monty pointed at her, and asked curiously,

“What’s that?”

Quick as a flash I answered, as matter-of-factly as I could.

“That’s her front bottom”.

Immediately I cringed at what I’d just said. I’ve no idea where I first heard that name, but I have subsequently heard it used several times. And I really don’t like it. But I also didn’t have any options. Well why would I? I’m a reasonably normal bloke. And blokes don’t discuss this kind of thing at playgounds when supervising our children. Instead, we talk about the rugby and important things like that.

However, I do recognise that sometimes I need to drop my guard and ask for help in matters like this. So I thought I’d better go and get help from a grown-up, or, better still, a whole group of expert grown-ups that I know (the ever-excellent Twinsclub forum).

The answers I got to my post there encouraged me to pen a few lines. I’m no poet, so don’t be too harsh in your literary criticism.

I asked Twinsclub for help today
I got many answers, I’m pleased to say
“What do you call their private bits?”
Their answers had us all in fits.

For boys their list comprised just nine
You’ll agree, I’m sure, they look just fine
Do Da, Dinkle, Doodle, Taggle or Tinkle
And Widgy, Wiggy, Willy or Winkle

For girls the list was twice as long
Almost enough to write a song
How about Bitbot, Bits or Foo Foo
Or even Ninny, Foo or Loo Loo?

Maybe Mini, Penny or even Tinkle
Or Fancy, Flower, Peach or Twinkle?
Front Bottom, Wee Bum I don’t think so
Whistle and Foof? Sorry - also a no no

It really is difficult to find good names
It puts my creativity to shame
“What do I think of using Giblets?”
Next you’ll suggest I call them Niblets.

I’m not too keen on using Fairy
And I doubt that we will go with Mary
In fact I reckon we’ll avoid a tizzy
By keeping it simple with Willy and Wizzy

(Luke takes a bow)

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