CBeebies
We’ve only been on holiday for a week and already I’m becoming familiar with the closing stages of CBeebies each day. You’ve probably been forced to endure the painful experience known as the Night Garden. Today’s was particularly dire. Lots of jangling unnecessary music and the Tombleys and some of the others making a real racket.

What I know to be a good thing is the amount of repetition of segments on a daily basis. Children apparently like repetition and it helps them to learn so while it may be a little boring for me I have to accept that it’s good for Monty. What seems odd to me is that in such a short space of time I have learned all the characters’ names (more through osmosis than by desire). Monty and I both shout out the names of the characters when we see them whether it be the Ponty-Pines, MakkaPakka, OopsaDaisy, the HooHas or Iggle Piggle.

One thing that makes me laugh is that the whole programme is narrated by Derek Jacobi; once famous for his part in I, Claudius, one of the most controversial dramas of its day.

It seems that I’m destined to become familiar with this kind of programme. If you could take me back ten years and show me the kinds of programmes I would be watching I would never have believed it!

Anyway, enough from me - the time has come to say goodnight, tomorrow’s just a dream away tra la la

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Noddy, Toyland’s bad influence on the nation

I’m probably the only person in Britain to think like this about Noddy. Yet every
time I see an episode on ma-ma-ma-ma-mi-mi-mi-mi-more-Milkshake I find myself
getting really frustrated by this villainous urchin.

He’s always doing something wrong or naughty and then getting caught. Then, after
he’s admitted it, everyone tells him not to worry, because he’s had the bottle to
own up to it.

Here’s an example of the end of a recent episode I either saw or dreamed.

NODDY: Sorry, Big Ears, but I’ve set fire to your house, stolen your TV, shot your
cat, slashed your tyres and poured battery acid all over your car…

BIG EARS: Well, don’t worry, Noddy, the important thing is you’ve been honest and
owned up to it. And because you admitted it let’s forget all about it and have a
nice cup of tea. (Pause) Better make it at your gaff - I’ve got the loss assessor
round mine.

This is a serious miscarriage of justice if you ask me. He’s obviously an ASBO kid
whose trying it on with the old “Butter wouldn’t melt…” act. Bang him up in
Feltham for a five year stretch for arson, burglary, cat-murder and vandalism.
Problem sorted and everyone in Toyland can live happily ever after.

Well, until he’s out on probation anyhow.

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