A review of a recently studied training video…

Last week some readers may remember I described how there are few experiences I dislike more than going shopping with my wife for her underwear. Our most recent experience had been an uncomfortable ordeal.

Well that was nothing compared with what I faced the other night.

After a long week, Charlotte and I sat down in front of the television to a chicken stir-fry lovingly prepared by yours truly (straight out of Sainsbury’s packaging). The idea was to enjoy a relaxed evening of television while having supper.

I wasn’t even remotely aware of what Charlotte had in store. There was a bit of time before anything we both wanted to see came on so Charlotte asked if I minded us putting on a video she had just received giving training advice and tips on breast-feeding for twins. Without even hesitating (or thinking through what this might actually mean) I immediately jumped into supportive husband and father mode and agreed. You see, usually I’m not squeamish. I watch a lot of CSI, The Shield, Law and Order, ER, Casualty and other forensic, hospital and police investigation dramas. You get used to the gore after a while, complete with horrific squelchy sound effects of bodies and cadavers being chopped up. And you can even eat your supper in front of this without being uncomfortable.

However, no sooner had this particular video started playing than I felt a strong sense of unease. It was a home-made video which showed a mum with both her twins about to feed.

Nervously I started munching on my stir-fry, wondering what on earth I had let myself in for. Before I could fully prepare myself, the woman had sat down on her sofa and started unbuttoning and unclipping enough clothing to begin “the feed”. I’m probably not being very polite or pc here, but to say this woman was well-endowed is doing her bosoms a gross disservice (I’m guessing a size double G for Gigantic). I’m supposed to be looking at the twins and how skilfully she places them on cushions either side so she can feed them both at the same time. I should be studying how expertly this woman ensures her babies latch on quickly and easily (inspiring me to wonder why this video isn’t called Latch of the Day). Instead I find myself staring wide-eyed and open-mouthed in horror as she whips out her breasts and plants her babies mouths firmly onto them…

My stir-fry is getting cold.

I don’t care.

I’m not hungry any more.

It’s ridiculous, pathetic and I’m being stupid.

I know this is all about perfectly ordinary, natural routines.

But I can’t cope.

Lactation displays and stir-frys should never coincide.

Another lesson learned.

Give me bra shopping any day.

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Looks like it could be an induction

If there’s no sign of the twins before then they will be induced this week. That’ll be fun…

I am hastily trying to get myself organised - packing last minute things into bags for the hospital. Predominantly this means food. I seem to have provided for Charlotte and myself very well. If we’re there for four weeks our supplies should see us through comfortably whilst also allowing us to share a lot of provisions with other people on the ward. Maybe I’ve packed too much… no, I can’t have. Surely not. Me?

I’m trying to get last-minute business admin chores out the way too - I don’t think I’m going to be too effective in the next week or so. I have left a lot of white space in my diary and have warned clients and colleagues that I won’t be available for much of the time. I’m taking self-employed paternity leave as and when we need it which is easier to do when you’re self-employed and working from home a lot of the time. You just don’t get paid for it.

And I have got my IA (Immediate Action) drills listed so there should be no hiccups.

A few months ago I had imagined myself being so much more organised. I was hoping to read a book each week on parenting issues. I got stuck half way through The Toddler’s Owner Manual and should have put it to one side and read something else. Phrases like “Best laid plans…” spring to mind. But I have done reasonably well. I have increased my share of household chores gradually and am mentally preparing for the next few weeks where I will be responsible for cooking most, if not all, of the meals, as well as more Monty-sitting and playing.

I know that whatever I do I’m still going to feel like I’ve been hit by a train. But I think I’ve done as much as I could reasonably be expected to. We will see. No doubt I will soon be moaning in this blog about all the things I wish I’d done. Never mind.

I’ve been so much more relaxed about this pregnancy than when Charlotte was carrying Monty. She’s handled this one so well. She’s hardly been ill and it’s really only been the last fortnight or so where she’s been very tired and eager to move things forward. When I stop to think about it, I’m actually quite excited.

The calm before the storm maybe.

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We’re now into the final straight. A few more days and if there is still no sign of the twins then we will be induced at the hospital. So this will be the last antenatal photo on TwinTimes of the twins. Exciting stuff. We are definitely ready now!

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Orient-Express in Italy. Book online.

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In just a few days’ time the twins will be born. So we’re trying to make all those last minute preparations that will help everything go as smoothly as possible - well, that’s the plan anyway.

Charlotte has been eating quantities of pineapple. Apparently this makes a difference in speeding up the arrival of newborns. Although I strongly suspect this and many measures like it are all old wives’ tales I’m not going to say that out loud, am I? Be supportive, Luke, I tell myself.

She’s also getting acupuncture every few days too - because sticking pins in her is likely to encourage the twins along.

And the old Rasberry Leaf Tea drinking never fails, does it? Well, apart from when we had Monty two weeks late.

It seems like it won’t be long before we’re going back to the burning wand treatment we used when we discovered that one of the twins was breached. Maybe it was that which righted the twin or maybe it was the upside down resting position which Charlotte assumed on the sofa. Who knows?

With Hallowe’en next week at least I won’t feel so stupid if I’m caught cooking up a cauldron of bat ears, stinging nettles and snails trying to concoct a voodoo style poultice for Charlotte’s tummy.

Basically we’re trying anything and everything so Charlotte doesn’t have to carry the twins around for much longer.

We did another photoshoot of her tummy at the weekend - results on display here. 36 weeks down and not long to go.

Really, we are ready now…

(Luke whistles impatiently and drums his fingers on the desk)

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So this is what Charlotte looked like this morning.  Another two or three weeks and we should have our brand new twins!  We did the same kind of photo when we were expecting Monty so we thought we’d repeat it.  I’ve put up both so you can see the difference.Charlotte and I are just about ready now - well, as ready as we’re ever going to be.

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Let’s scan and meet the Consultant…

“Hmmmm”, said the consultant. “And just how big was Monty when he was born?”

Charlotte looked worried for a moment “Why?” she asked, nervously.

“Well”, replied the consultant, “your twins are normal size for singletons… and large for twins.”

Monty was slightly larger than average for a singleton; he was about eight pounds and the average is seven and a half. So I reassured Charlotte that the twins will be smaller than Monty was. There is only one difference, in fact, and that is that there will be two of them. We talked about inductions and when we’ll have to induce if there’s no sign of the twins beforehand. We discussed this all very matter-of-factly. Until Monty was born I didn’t realise that men have a pelvic floor too. I found myself remembering this as I crossed my legs and clenched hard. And I’m a bloke. I don’t even have to do the bowling ball through the eye of a needle thing. But my powers of imagination are frightening. Once again I thought that, if there is a God, I should thank him now for making me a “geezer” and not a woman.

The best news we had is that Twin A, who wasn’t playing the game at all, has turned since the last scan and is no longer in a breached position. Now the head is down, all systems are ready, we have an amber light and we’re waiting for green. Apparently we definitely won’t have them in the next five days. The consultant was very precise about that.

“If you’re planing a trip, go now.” He said.

As if…

So, anyway, the main thing is all is well and the countdown has started - T minus 5 weeks to lift off…

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And I thought she wasn’t getting them

Just now I opened the door to the delivery guy from Sainsbury’s. I say “the” guy as if there’s only one. In fact we’ve been having the groceries delivered for about a year and I swear I’ve never seen the same driver more than once. Which could be a good thing, bearing in mind last week’s order was completely wrong. Apparently we have an unusual surname yet on that occasion someone else with the same name was getting their food delivered by this driver too. So their food got delivered to us by mistake. Well it would have done if I hadn’t spotted that our weekly order looked a lot healthier than usual, including all sorts of healthfoods, wholemeal this and organic that. So I managed to get the guy to have another look for our order. He nearly got it right. We still had to call again the next day to say that some of our food was still missing. I don’t believe that we’re the only family that has this problem. “How many drivers does Sainsbury’s employ?” I ask myself. If we have a different driver every week and there are 52 weeks of the year then I assume that either the turnover is very high or else they have gazillions of men in a huge pool of drivers. I suspect the former.

Anyhow, the point of this blog is that as I was unpacking today’s delivery (which was refreshingly all present and correct) I noticed that we had apparently ordered more kiwi fruit to accompany the already increasing numbers of kiwi fruit in our fruit bowl. So I wonder if this is the result of some new craving that Charlotte has forgotten to mention. There was also an abundance of cantaloupe melons.

Before you go thinking this is a really healthy order I also came across several Cadbury chocolate dip things, one being a Crunchie and a couple of Flake ones as well.

I’m also having to eat a lot more chocolate too as I feel it’s my duty to give Charlotte as much support as possible.

Honestly, the things I do for her…

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Different remedies for un-breaching a twin

After Charlotte’s last scan we discovered that Twin A is currently breached. If it was Twin B it wouldn’t be as important. So Charlotte started asking for advice from other mothers on the Twinsclub Forum. It seems like the advice is fairly consistent if you have one baby that is breached - getting down on all fours and swaying or crawling. More athletic mothers can put their knees up on a sofa and elbows on the floor - apparently this position also encourages babies to turn. Nobody seems too sure, although apparently if you need a doctor’s help to turn the baby using manipulation techniques it can be very painful.

Acupuncture has also been recommended.

Charlotte likes to cover all bases so she did the knees up on the sofa thing which left me helpless with laughter when I came into the sitting room one night and found her “in position”.

Then she tried acupuncture - because of course a few needles stuck in her wrists and ankles should do the trick…….

And it was at the last session of acupuncture that Charlotte got a really cracker bit of advice - this one is my favourite - I think it must have originated with a witch doctor somewhere. It’s called Moxa or something like it - twice a day for four days we have to carry out the following procedure: light a small burning stick provided by acupuncturist. Wave it over little toe on each foot for 10 minutes each (about half an inch away) - apparently it doesn’t matter if it’s clockwise or anti-clockwise waving….. which I would have thought was pretty important, but, hey, what do I know about voodoo?

So this morning we tried it…. see photo to see how it should be done.

And, apart from me falling about laughing at the lunacy of participating in this, we did a fairly good job. What I didn’t realise was just how much smoke would be generated. Not long into our first ten minutes we found the room was getting cloudier with smoke and visibility was being reduced. So I opened the garden door to try to get the smoke out. And, the really funny thing about this is that the stick smelled like a spliff…

I wondered if we were going to get high from the experience - and hope not; I can’t be doing with getting stoned just trying to un-breach our twins.

Charlotte was mostly concerned that I didn’t get the burning wand too close and melt her toe - I was more concerned about me getting a criminal record. I can’t believe the acupuncturist would turn out to be our dealer… still, at least if we’re caught in possession of burning wands we can realistically claim they are for personal use. But try explaining that one to the cops - I can see it now:

“Well, officer, we were reliably told (by our dealer) that waving the burning embers over the little toes would help Twin A to turn away from it’s breach position…”

“Yeah right, sir, you’ll have to accompany me to the station. You’re nicked.”

(In four days’ time I will report back on the results of this madness.)

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Results of our last scan

Last week when Charlotte returned from a scan she told me that the first twin is breached currently and needs to move before the birth if we’re going to have a natural one - which is our goal.

So she went online to various twin sites and spoke to various people and she’s now trying to manipulate her body to make this happen - this involves some really tricky positions - I found her suspended in mid air with her elbows on the floor and her knees on the sofa - I’m not sure it helped when we both collapsed laughing.

I’m still glad I’m a male in all this. I remember when Charlotte was giving birth to Monty I had two prayers:

Prayer 1 -Please let Charlotte and the baby be alright. And the second was a simple thank you:

Prayer 2 - Thank you for making me male…

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Is there such a thing as common courtesy any more?

Two weeks ago Charlotte and I went to see Prince (formerly known as Squiggle or whatever) performing at the O2 (formerly known as the Millennium Dome).

It was a great evening made better by the courtesy we encountered from most people, whether on the Underground or elsewhere. When people noticed Charlotte, who now has a 6-month pronounced bump on the front, they were quick to give up seats or generally be helpful. Most of the staff at O2 were very good too, although the week before, when we saw the Scissor Sisters at the same place, an overly officious jobs-worthy had turned Charlotte away when she asked to use a gangway belonging to people seated in a different block to us. The toilets for that block were a lot closer than ours so it was a bit surprising she met with such resistance.

But the good service and courtesy far outweighed the bad. When we arrived I went to the box office to ask if we could swap our tickets, which had been in the standing section, for ones in the seated section. The girl at the box office looked at Charlotte, smiled, and said yes, she thought these probably were extenuating circumstances. We got new seats without any fuss whatsoever. By the way, don’t think it was me who’d booked these seats in the standing area… Charlotte booked them way back at the end of last year before she was pregnant.

We don’t go out much at the moment as you can imagine. So this
two-in-a-row concert experience was unusual for us. But it was a good opportunity for me to see how people react to her in public and how helpful they will or won’t be. Generally I sigh with relief when I see that most people act with some kind of common sense and courtesy.

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